i never thought ill write about this

it has been a month - 1 month and 4 days to be exact

and i think i'm doing ok and i actually can write about it now

the first 2 weeks were unbearable - it was when i realized that its for real this time, no turning back - i did what i did

broke down a couple of times - the first night, it was terrible. didn't know i have that much "water" in me

they won't stop falling. uncontrollable.

the following day, i went to the office in my favorite corporate outfit. i put make up on. i was up early had a really good breakfast and i was in the training room before everyone else.

then i went to the pantry to get water. it was 9:00 am, the pantry was so freakin quiet. i took my mug out of the cupboard and there they fell again. i don't know, they just did - of all places.

i went back to the training room. i was alone still. i tried to read some emails but my brain wasn't working. it was blank. i wasn't feeling anything, compared to the annoying crap i felt the night before.

i don't know how to describe it, but i will try: just imagine your heart being crushed by something very heavy and you can't breathe. you are concious and your heart seems to be somewhere in your body, not in your chest. it was like in your stomach or something.

my face was blank for 2 weeks. a friend once approached me and said, "this is bad" and i just broke into tears. i was like, "how did you know?" and he said "it's in your eyes, they're heavy you're aura is heavy". this is pretty pathetic, but it was the first time that i felt such.

so that's actually how it felt like. for some reason, i can still recall how painful it was.

i had the frog beside me for 3 weeks. i brought it with me to the office. placed it beside me as i sleep. or just hold it. and i finally let it go, just last week.

i noticed that i wasn't looking for it anymore. it stayed on my desk for a week now. not beside my pillow.

so why write all these all of a sudden?

i read a book and it reminded me of the pain. i was smiling while i was reading it. the way the author described the heroin's feelings painted that picture of me a month ago. i tried to skip the pages. i didn't want to read about me. but then i realized, maybe i just need to. ill be home in a week and i'll see him again - its going to be an excruciating weekend, again.

i'm still going for 2 months. and i think im doing great. for now, at least.