the greatest confession you will never ever know

ok

i know that you won't be able to read this and nobody's reading this blog anyway - good

i ran out of pages in my "manual" journal, I really am depressed and i need to let this out

ok, so maybe i made a wrong decision - maybe i should have not let you go

but then again, its over and done

my friend told me that i should stop feeding it - ill just be misserable -well, i am now

im missing you so bad...i knew this was gonna happen...that i'm gonna realize how much you mean to me only when youre gone

i really don't have the courage and won't have the courage to let you know all these...my pride won't let me...

maybe you've grown tired..who wouldn't be? i was such a pain...

blame it on the foundation...6 freakin years..darn it!

i remember, when we were still ok..we were texting every day until 3 in the morning...we were talking about nonsense things but it was never boring...and then you asked me how much i miss you, i told you that i super miss you i wanted to eat a chocolate cake! haha! i bet your heart melted...haha!

i thought work will take my mind off you...no luck...its making things worst...

i thought the company of new guys, new crushes will take my mind off you...no luck

ok, i once told you that there's something i wanted you to know...and then you asked what, and i said i forgot - the truth was, i can't tell you

now you are with someone - seeing your happy pictures makes me crave for a chocolate cake

now i am eating chocolate cake - i hate you

i always tell you that....i hate you...but i never did, not a single time

i have always cared...its just that i can never let you know...i was scared that i'll get so attached

well, apparently, i am now

darn

i lost your poems..or maybe they're just here somewhere but i don't want to look for them...trying not to nourish the annoying feeling

i wonder if i'll ever have a chance to let you know...maybe my chance was over...

you found someone, your pictures say you're happy and you tell me you're not...

things would have been different if you're here...

i am tyring to reach out but i can only do so much...

i need you to tell me that's its over so that i can move on...it can't be my decision alone...as long as you're holding on i will never move on...tell me you've moved on...

ok, you might be reading this now....laughing your head off...

i don't care...now you know...

now give me that long overdue hug...

smitten by someone i can never have

yes.

and i find myself thinking about this person every single day.

i know nothing's gonna happen, the more i entertain this, the more its gonna make you affect the way i feel.

i know this will lead to nowhere.

whoah!

im taking this risk - the walls are now gone.

lets, nobody gets out of this life alive anyway.

Long Overdue post

1. The day my good friend gave my number to him was the day i gave him access to affect how i feel...

it was the day i gave him the power to make me happy, and the power to make me sad...and the power to confuse me for years...

the day i took the shot

August 9, 2007

it was supposed to be a "no big deal" thing...but then, it was the first time, i guess its just normal for me to be bothered...

the image just keeps on flashing in my head...and everytime it does...i just...

if that was with a stranger, it would have been fine...i guess...

oh well...i hope this would just evaporate and let's all pretend that it didn't happen...

but then again...

It's been quite a while...

due to public demand - choz - i decided to blog again...

anyhoo, so what did happen to me over the past couple of weeks? nothing exciting - but then again...

finished my technical training week before i went on leave for vacation - after that training , i got inspired to code more - and the opportunity that awaits me out there is superb! - i have to be honest, this is my main motivation why i'm trying to do good in this field...

before i went home for vacation, got my self an iPod nano -yeahuh! well after postponing several times, i finally decided to reward myself - its just a 2 gig nano - and to date, i have not utilized half of it...

went home and spent 6 days there - it was a busy 6 day-vacation - was able to bond and chill with my family. we went to this garden restuarant - it was so nice there! Aldrich promised to take me there again - the place is so romantic...but then again, it would be extra romantic if you'll be with someone special...

mmmm....what else? none really - found myself a new crush in the office - we got formally introduced - yun lang...

im really not looking for someone to be in a relationship with - or maybe i do...but then again, not really my priority...

my summer is about to end - one more getaway and its over - reached my goal though - 5 summer getaways - wootness!!! - but then again, summer is just a season - i can have "summer getaways" all year round...

Because I'm turning barok - The Return of Edell the bookworm

I went to a friendly bookstore late this afternoon to window shop. Well, that was my intention - but apparently, i did more than window shopping - i splurged.

When I was in highschool, i would spend my savings on books. I would buy paper back romance novels worth 300 - 500 bucks and when you're in highschool, that's a whole lotta money. It was an addiction that i eventually was able to outgrow. Until i discovered that i was turning barok.

There were a couple of words i can no longer spell correctly. Subject-verb agreement issues and a whole lot more!!! I was bothered. It was just so freaky - so i decided to get back to reading.

I bought 2 books today - expect more come salary time. I bought Hardboiled and Hard Luck by Banana Yoshimoto - pretty interesting book. It's just 149 pages with huge fonts. Hardboiled is about a woman mourning on the death of her lover, also a woman. While Hard Luck is about a woman who was left by her fiance after an incident which left her in comma. Pretty interesting huh... I also asked a friend to buy me another Banana Yoshimoto book - weeeeee! excitement!

I also bought, Diamonds and Daisies by Bernadette Strachan - well, the review says "witty, enthralling, heaven" - mmmm - this is a contemporary story about a woman who found the man of her dreams but eventually realized that this might not be the fairytale she has always wanted - maybe it's just too good to be true....wahaha! so me!!!

confession: aside from the fact that the plot is pretty interesting - the characters are more interesting: the heroin, lives with a spherical couch potato - so me, an irish nun just moved in to their spare room - my name is actually, that of an Irish saint, for real and she also lives with a workaholic virgin - need i say more

anyhoo...ill blog about these books once i finish reading them...

Got curled for the occasion

It was my friend's birthday last night, Cathy. It actually was an advance birthday party - so a number of HP people went to Cathy's place. It was a laid back party, but the fun, as always was never laid back. We just laughed the whole night - talked about stuffs that we don't usually talk about in the office. Here are some of those:

1. translate famous lines in the movie 300 in different languages, such as spanish, french, mandarin and tagalog...t'was hilarious!

2. spongebob squarepants...

3. deep dark secrets (we do talk about these in the office but not as intense as last night) - Cathy got grilled...hehe...good thing they did not ask me anything about my so-called love life...

I got curled for the occasion. I was waiting for Katt's text so while waiting, I decided to curl my hair. It ended up ok. I actually like the huge curls - goldilocks curls. I'm planning on getting permanent curls...for a change...

Mmmm...anyhoo, now lets move to a different topic - kinda not related to the previous stuffs i mentioned in this entry, but oh well, this is my blog anyway. They say girls are complicated. They say it is always, alwats dificult to know what girls are thinking and it's a challenge to read their actions. Well, I have to admit, there was a point in my life when I was a little complicated. I mean, I still am but not as complicated as before. Now, I am more straight forward, or at least I try to be. For some reason, people just find it hard to believe me...LOL..Like there's this one instance when I told a guy that i like him - of course, he though it was a joke so he didn't take it seriously - and I've given up. Now I understand why it's important for guys to know if the girl they like, like them as well. It's just so hard to be out in the open about your feelings and the other person won't take you seriously - great, now I know how it feels....the more that I need to be straight forward about my feelings...

This blog is so out there!!! I'm like broadcasting my whole life! Oh well, only a few people have access to this one and unlike other blog sites, people don't get updated if I have a new entry. Amazing!

Now...

I'm gonna admit...

who I currently have a huge crush on...

"he will be in your world soon"

I have a huge crush on...

RG...

Told ya, this blog is so out there!!!

Way back into - romantic aethiesm - nah...

So, what did I do today?

mmm...

Jost, Lors and Ming crashed and we had spicy tuna pasta for lunch - Jost cooked. Then we had fried chicken and ice cream, then we tried to watch The Devil Wears Prada - eventually, we decided to hit the Ukay without finishing the movie. No good finds for me today, so we just went around and shopped for pirated dvds...oooopppppssss....

I watched Music and Lyrcis and fell in love with "Way Back into Love"

"I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine I've been searching but I just don't see the signs I know that it's out there There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere"

lookie, the lyrics are on the right side of my page - i was actually trying to embed the song here but I was not successful...anyhoo, I posted a link though, so if you wanna listen to it, just click on the link...

enjoy na song guys!!!

You have to help me forget you...

You got it, you got it bad...sorry, Usher's song is on MTV...

anyhow, i don't know why i'm blogging...maybe because something's bothering me again...

who would have thought i'd bump into a friend today...in a really huge mall...and that good friend would ask about someone i was trying to forget...actually, i was doing great already, until today....damn! damn! damn!

now i'm being punished - hence, the birth of this entry



the four-paged green document is just here, resting silently in my drawer, i am tempted to open it and read it...again...for the nth time but I'm trying not to...


I'm sorry, but up until now, i still don't get it...somebody explain it to me!!! please...


why do you need to say you baked a dozen cakes when all you had prepared for is one cookie? lies, lies, lies...when will people stop lying?



You said you'll finish what you've started...apparently, you left me hanging again...you always do...and i always let you...when will i ever learn?

You said you'll explain everything to me..when i get home...i was home several times...nothing happened...

You said you wanted to see me and i believed you...now im starting to believe that those were just words...never meant... - more of "i didn't mean to say those things - sorry, i was joking"


"Maybe we obsess too much over relationships we feel unfinished" - can we just finish this so that i may stop obsessing over it? trust me, it's a little bit tiring already. I tried doing it on my own, but I'm stuck...i need a little help from you...you have to help me forget you...

your pink police are everywhere!!! damn!

Love - My Wedding Song

If you check my summer playlist, you'll see there the song "Love" by Matt White (thanks for the song Tin) and you can actually listen to it, my palylist is now clickable...it is such a beautiful song and I have decided - this will be my offical wedding song - the song that will be played while i walk down the aisle (a more church like rendition of course :) ).

I will be married on a summer month - so around march, april or may - most probably may, around 4pm. It will be a church wedding with around 50 witnessess. Immediate family and close friends. I'm not dreaming of a big and extravagant wedding. I want it to be simple and with minimal preparation - like 2 months preparation. Reception will be at the beach, with Luau, reggae and bosa playing on the background. My guests will be wearing jeans...my entourage will be wearing simple, laid back outfits that i will personally design.

I will wear a wedding dress (see attached photo - something like that ;)), not a wedding gown and my husband will be wearing a tux. During the reception, i will be wearing a see-thru peasant top and shorts he will be wearing a sando and board shorts. We will have an exclusive beach party in the evening - with a bar set up near the shore, candles, matts and pillows everywhere - if im lucky enough and rich enough, ill get myself a dj to do the mix :p

we will have our honeymoon in Bali or Jeju - so there that's my ideal wedding...oh by the way, my first daughter will be named Samantha Renee nickname: Summer...she'll be the cutest baby...ok, now i should get back to reality and deal with my Abaps ;p

Take it from the Spartan and the god of rock

I'm blogging because I have this feeling that this will be another long day for me :(

Anyhoo, just like when i was in college, I would write an entry by the time I wake up then write another entry before I sleep - blogging gives me a semi-peace of mind - i find comfort in writing - mmm, maybe i should write poems again...drifting...drifting

I stumbled over Mabelle's blog today and read her entry where she quoted Kurt Cobain (may i just say that girls who love old school rock, rocks!!!): It is better to burn out than to fade away. Then, I had a little reflection - have I reached that stage already? Lately, I've been swamped with work. Things have been and are becoming more challenging. Sometimes, I just find myself staring into blank space - completely clueless on what I'm gonna do next - most of the time helpless.

Last week, I was privilegded enough to watch 300 and there was a line in the movie that caught my attention. I can't remember the exact line, but this was the line that one of the Spartan warriors (see? i was paying attention to the movie, not just the abs :P) said while observing the fleet of Persians settling on the shore. One of their comrades, non-Spartan was overwhelmed with the number of Persians and was freaked out, this is when he mentioned this line - i think the gist of the line is this: i fought all my life and i have survived, but someone out there was born to kill me - and then he laughed...really hard.

My interpretation of the line is this: he was not intimated by the number of persian soldiers (when you're only 300 and there were like gazillions of people dying to cut your throat, you'll be pretty intimidated right?). He took the war as an oppurtunity to meet his match - the war for him, more than anything else, was a challenge. He did fade away, but he burned out before fading. He fought, he did not run away and vanish just like that. Talk about courage.

Ok, so where am i leading you? nothing really...this is more of uplifting my spirit...Cliche as it may seem, but honestly, no one can help you but you...and just like Kurt and his baby - scream - it helps a whole damn lot!!!

Randomly written

I'm getting myself a Nano and I'm getting out of this mess as soon as possible - or maybe not - but I'm definitely getting myself a Nano

1:32 am PC time - this line just brings back something really really sad. Right, and I told myself that i'm so not gonna think about it anymore...

Anyhow, I'm just glad that I am able to blog again. I'm planning to migrate all my entries from my other two blog accounts, hopefully this weekend. Writing a blog entry releases a lot of stress and frustrations - makes things a lot tolerable for me - blogging keeps me healthy.

I miss the smell of paint...I really enjoyed playing with colors - what's with these random thoughts? Well maybe because i dropped by Rika's blog and saw her art works, then i remembered how i enjoyed sketching and doing all this crafty art thingy. I don't get to this anymore :(

Anyhoo, got some songs from Clai, added them to my Summer Playlist already, thanks Clai! :)
I'll have a quick dinner and I'll get back to something pending....aarrrrrggggghhhhhh!
Confession: I hate it whenever i hear/read these:
"d me pwede e"
"kain muna me"
"pagod na me"
"uwi na kse me e"

drop the me!!! for goodness' sake! No offense to those who are fond of using this, but please...pretty please....im begging you, do not use these when talking to me. I can't help it, but it ruins my day...irritates me terribly...the "me" doesn't work for me...I'm sorry....

Tracking the new me

It's 10:00 am and I'm already up. In a normal day, this would have been super early, given that I report for work at 2 in the afternoon. For some reason, I had the urge to wake up and eat and get ready for another long and challenging day in the office. I slept at around 4 am early this morning - freakin early this morning. I actually was doing nothing, i just can't sleep - apparently i have turned into an insomiac-morning-person - me, the walking irony.

Another so-not-me revelation, I'm starting to like Laguna Beach. No offense Daene (or maybe just a little :P), but that show wasn't in my list - until last week. I have discovered that the show is real - obviously with the accent and for lack of a better term, superficiallity, - :P Anyhow, I kinda like it. Like I just find myself, like watching it and like, excited about the next episode. Like super. :P If you have noticed, my Summer Playlist (draft) is 90% from the Laguna Beach Soundtrack - just in case you didn't read that part of the blog - interesting songs there.

More - I am now taking control of my life - I'm not sure if people will take this as a good thing or as a bad omen - an omen that I'll soon be turning into a monster. Lately, I've been making decisions on my own. It's more of I'm informing as opposed to asking for permission. It's not that I don't want other people to be involved in my decision making, it's just that i have come to realize that, I'm freakin 22 and I should be making decisions for myself - or is this something I should have a done a long time ago? Anyway, I'm doing it now and there's no stopping me (whatever that means).

In the coming days, I bet I'll be discovering a lot about the "new me" - honestly, it's kinda freakin me out. I'm not sure if this is already a sign of maturity or the other way around...LOL...

Anyhow, just so happy about the new blog - expect a daily update :)

The Talipanan Trip - Volume 1

Went to Talipanan over the weekend. I went there without my parent's consent. Bad...bad...

I had a blast though. Daene and I decided to pursue the "plan" only 4 days before the actual trip - so technically, it can still be considered as a "shotgun weekend getaway".

We left Manila at around 8:00 am. The ride was long and full. There was a considerable number of people who wanted to get out of the toxic-infested city and just relax. I made them unconciously entertain me; The guy seated next to me, smelled like a bottle of uber strong perfume. I have a very sensitive nasal system so i can't help but give a couple of squints and coughs from time to time. This guy is currently working in Manila and only goes home to his family during weekends. To make an "impression" of the city life, he had to spray an entire bottle of cologne - com'on this the Scent-of-the-City.

The guy seated next to him was a relatively old foreigner, who we eventually called, the 60-year-old-backpacker-dude. He had a huge backpack and a Lonely Planet book. After studying him, Daene and I came up with a story - this guy just recently retired and he didn't know what to do with his retirement pay so he decided to take a trip around the world - Galera being his first destination.

The couple seated in front of us works in a CSC - end of story

By the time we reached Batangas Pier, I was ecstatic! This is going to be my first time. Daene and I bought our boat tickets and off we went to the "departure area". The area was jam-packed! There were foreigners, college students, families, Koreans on a paid-vacation (they study and they chill, how cool can that be?) and gazillions of, yes - Daene would know what i mean...I'm a meanie....I'm sorry...again, this blog will have confessions...:)

to be continued...

Red Nails

Hiyeeee!
I just turned 22...
Woke up with like 20 text messages from people...someone greeted me as early as 12:02...hehe...kewleness! (thank you sa mga nag text sa aking globe number...buti na lang at buhay na ulit yung globe ko...hehe..)
salamat sa mga nakaalala!!!at mga humabol...hehe...thank you for greeting me teddy tan!!! naglagas pa xa...i kinda don't like what you wrote there though...it's not gonna happen...so untatan ta na na...haha!
okie, so i turned another year older...what's next? i honestly don't know...uhm...still keeping my fingers crossed...and my nails red...yes, my nails are red...just because...
elmo has been with me for the whole day! i just find comfort in the presence of this little monster...hehe...little red monster...

red is my color this year...just because...
uhm, what else...im a little addicted to this new song...it's called love floats? from the mcdo commercial...wala lang...so light...and carefree...and young...
oh! another interesting thing happend today. i recieved a message from a "network provider" that i will be enjoying 5 days of unlimitted text! it's just weird coz i never registered!!! i don't know how to...anymore...hehe...uhm, anyhow, t'was just perfect...haha!
btw,i was in iloilo last weekend. it was my lola's 81st bday and a number of people in the family are celebrating stuffs as well.
- 3 of my cuzins are feb babies too!
- my parent's 24th wedding anniversary
- my tita and my tito's birthday
- my lola's bday
so there, people from Manila flew to iloilo to celebrate everything!!! hehe...it was fun...here are the details of my shortest trip to iloilo...ever!!!
3:30 am - woke up, dressed up, packed and off i went to catch my 5 am flight
4:50 - all aboard please
5:10 - we will be cruising at an altitude of 29,000 feet...
6:00 - 10 minutes earlier than scheduled...clap clap clap!
7:10 - arrived at city proper, had breakfast with Frances
8:30 - arrived at the apartment, unloaded my micro-mini bag
9:00 - took a nap
11:30 - left the apartment to pick up stuffs for Nanay's birthday
1:30 - arrived at SM city Iloilo - apparently, the place to be...hehe...had La Paz batchoy with Frances...yeahuh!!! namit!!!
2:30 - roamed around the mall...window shopping...yeah, just windows...
3:30 - was surprised by a tap on the shoulder...aldrich, art, pops and notchka were already there.
4:00 - went to Piazza (im not sure if i spelled this one right..hehe)..had late snacks-early dinner with aldrich, art, pops and notchka...was able to finally get hold of elmo...
6:00 - went back to SM city - apparently the place to be...hehe...to meet up with cuzins. Aldrich and Art were there with me, so we just stood in front of this sticker-making-stall where Art and Aldrich browsed through buy-one-take-one cards...loads of laughs there...haha!!!
6:45 - met up with cuzins...bye bye drich and art...:(
7:30 - home sweet home...had a really heavy dinner...food....again...yum...
8:30 - started making Nanay's birthday give aways..
01:00 - zzzzzzzzz.....
Sunday - Feb 25
7:30 - Mass
9:00 - started preparing the live video stream...haha!!! (my tito wanted to "witness" the celebration live so i tried configuring the connection and the webcam etc)
11:30 - let's get the party started
3:00 - had a quick nap
5:00 - visited my lolo and my tito
5:30 - went to my tito's unfinished house (some house...whew!)
6:00 - had my nails painted...in red...
08:00 - tried to go online to download the pics from saturday's late snacks-early dinner thingy...thanks for the pics drich!!!
10:30 - zzzzzz...
Feb 26 - Monday
back to Manila...waaaaa! malamang bitin! duh!
iloilo, c you in May...:p

That's it...

actually I just waited for this to happen...maybe this is your way of telling me to get

lost...hehe...alrighty then...

i kinda looked at it as a sign...a sign that there is still hope...but now that it's gone, im thinking the hope is gone as well...don't you think? hehe...
mmm...thanks though...hehe...

anything can still happen right? but yeah, for now, im letting it go...go away...away...hehe...even just for 2 days...who knows...*wink
mmm...I'm kinda being influenced by the "signs" again, but oh well, what should i expect? no "actuals"...no nothing...nada...zilch...nah...ahihi...

syempre i'm still happy d ba? weird...this should be like a super down moment...
i hope you'll find happiness...truly...sincerely...from the deepest recesses of my red heart...wahaha!

mmm...music and lyrics...mango...Lacoste "the scent"...boardwalk...smallville...19...21...white paper...going crazy...ooopsss...don't read my blog!!! (i hope you're not reading...hehe...)
"kse ur heart gets to see for who it truly wants" - ali, who are you? doctor love? haha! thanks ali! :)

confusing huh...yeah...* wink (sleepy head)