the phone call

wow! 2 months since my last post! - manifestation that i only blog when im stressed. So, let me update you with my life :)

May

Went with 3 friends to 3 summer destinations - not really summer destinations because it was raining like crazy! But we had fun anyway. We went to Iloilo, Boracay and Guimaras.

Boracay was really fun! We stayed there for 2 days and one night, but it was crazy! Got a little tipsy, danced a lot and ate a lot. Spotted one cute dude, who i thought was - my favorite term - a fetus (this is how i describe younger guys). It was nice to watch him, and i think i danced with him for like 5 minutes? I can't really remember because I was a little tipsy already. And yeah, it was really fun!

Guimaras was more of a chill escapade. We went there for a day trip. The beach was pretty nice even if it was still raining. The water was really freezing so nobody decided to take a dip. After eating 6 Guimaras mangoes, we decided to go on an island hopping. The first half of the "hop" was pretty ok. We went to the turtle sanctuary where we saw several ginormous turtles! After our little chit-chat with the giant amphibians, we were ready to explore the next island. We were busy taking pictures when i realized that we were slowly manuvering towards the open sea. The waves were pretty unfriendly, so I asked the boatman where we are headed. He then pointed to this really huge white rock with green shrubs on it and there were crazy angry waves spanking it. Everyone was still ok even if the waves were getting worst. And then Katt asked, there are no sharks here right? And I was like, no, actually this is shark infested, and Katt panicked. They all panicked! And mr. boatman, for some reason, started to distribute the life jackets and I was like, this is not good. I immediately told them that we would like to go back to the resort - I was getting a little scared too. So we went back to the shore and just laughed our heads off. It was really kracken from the sea!

We arrived at Iloilo around lunch time. After a bountiful lunch at the famous Ted's La Paz batchoy, we hurried home for my cousin's 7th birthday.

All of my friends were really nice enough to help out with the party. My other friend even volutered to be the clown. He was really impressive with all his clown acts and stuffs.

And he was there.

He just stayed at the gate and watched the party from afar. It wasn't normal. Usually, if we have parties, my friends can just crash and eat and get crazy. Everyone else got crazy, except him. He was just there, standing. I tried not to look at him. I don't want him to catch me looking. After minutes of denial, I involuntarily shifted my gaze to where he was standing,but he wasn't there anymore. I didn't see him for the rest of the party. And then it rang "i don't want us to be friends". That was my line - my last message to him almost a month ago and that explains the "aloof" atitude. I thought I will be ok with it. I saw him again the following day, at mass - after a glance, i tried not to look at him until the end of the mass. I never saw him again after that. Not normal, as we usually hang out untill the wee hours of the morning, especially during special occasions.

June

Three weeks ago, I initiated a text message. I thought it was necessary, i need to let go of the uneasiness of not being friends with someone so special. I know that what I did will reboot the cycle but I have to try. I was still hoping that I will be ok with it and I will treat him like just any other friend.

Last week, he surprised me with a phone call, at 1 am. I honestly was hyperventilating when I realized that it was him. Sadly, we had nothing to talk about. We were both new to that - the talking thing. I'd like to think that fate was on my side, the line went dead - his phone ran out of battery. I thought it was a good thing, because I was really not comfortable, I didn't know what to say. After a couple of minutes he sent a text message saying that it was nice to hear my voice again. I was smiling, I was happy - and I still hate myself for feeling that.

It has been six days since that phone call. I am still hoping that he would call again. I'm confused. I don't want to talk to him but I want to talk to him.

So there, the cylce is here again and I'm going through it again.