why the Beatles made it

So, i was hoping that i'll be able to come up with a blog entry nd thanks to nick and norah, i was able to come up with one. If i may quote directly "i wanna hold your hand." first single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24-7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a porsche or a blow job or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every successful love song of the past fifty years can be traced back to 'i wanna hold your hand'. And every successful love story has those unbearable unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding".

Maybe that's all i ever wanted. I wanna hold his hand.

phone blogging

ok, so im blogging using my new phone...yup.!hardcore yabang!bwahahahah! And yeah, basically abusing the free wifi here at the honda show room. My friend is waiting for his new seat covers...and we've been waiting for like 2 hours already...oh well, they should have, like coffee or something. Anyhoo, i tried to connect to be able to check on my mob. Unfortunately facebook doesnt show the mob wars link. Oh well...till next free wifi!

mmm...where to begin?

I don't know where to begin - not really a good intro for this blog entry.

A very unexpected news was delivered to me today - and it took me a while - literally, a while to digest it. I am not good with these things. I didn't know how to react. I tried to suppress it but my tear ducts can only do so much. So I cried. I promised myself that I will never cry in front of him. No matter how mean he was when I was just starting my career or how he murdered my deliverables - I will not cry. I am strong and I will never ever show any sign of weakness. I am in control of my emotions and I will deal with things as professionally as possible. Well, maybe today was an exception.

So why the reaction? Was I being selfish? Was I being irrational? I think I was just overwhelmed. This person, more than anyone else, to date, had the greatest impact on my career. He has influenced me in many ways. He inspired me to work hard because he believed in me. He believed in my capabilities. I was confident that I can because he was confident that I can.

He did fed me to the sharks but he never let them swallow me alive. The reason why I was also brave enough to face them was becuase I knew that he's gonna pull me out before they sink their teeth on my pride.

He never said "that's how it is, suck it up!". He asked, he made me think, he made me realize what I really want. He allowed me to question.

I still need him - we need him. I'm moving to a new role and I think this is when I need his mentorship the most. He is not just a good leader and inspiring mentor, he is a good friend who cares - and this is why it's difficult to be "ok" with it.

drooling...

I'm currently crushing on the Groove boys. Their performance during the HP Fundraising event was really drool material. I never saw these guys dance this flowy. Dream come true for me actually, to witness a pogi dance performed by the people i personally know.

I'm also crushing on the Flamenco girls. It was another first for Groove and it makes me want to learn Flamenco. I love the skirt, the facial expression, the elegant sophisticated steps. Amazing.

I'm crushing on the Street Girls - tough girls this time! We are used to seeing Groove girls perform more kembot dances, this time they were the tough "may angal ka" ones.

It was great to finally be in the audience and watch them dance.

Edward Cullen

i hate whole day meetings - it's more mentally draining than looking at SAP screen for the entire day.

I'm scared...I really am

I don't know why I said yes to these responsibilities. From now 'till I don't know when, a lot is expected from me. Everyone is expecting. If my plans fail, I fail.

It has been a long time since I took accountability of something and I forget how it feels to take charge.

I'm really scared...and it would be extra nice if there's someone you can be scared with.

I am Christina...

Obviously that is not my name.

I was thinking of something to blog about and I thought visiting my favorite sites will give me something to blog about. As always, first site to open is Multiply - nothing there. Second site to open is Facebook - shadan! Bingo! something to blog about!

My good friend Dozi posted a Grey's Anatomy Personality Quiz widget. I thought, i'll take the quiz and maybe blog about the result.

I always thought I am a Meredith Grey - confused, commitment phobe but is driven, straight forward and cares for her friends. After taking the 10-item quiz, I was surprised to find out that I am actually a Christina Yang. I like Christina. She's funny, sarcastic, cynical, smart, driven, has weird ways of coping with stress and depression.

Yeah, I can be a Christina. I am competitive and I want to be the best in what I do. The desire to excel is I think part of my genetic make up - it is just so natural. I don't need to be told that I need to do good - I just want to do well. It's not like I always succeed. I have failed several times, lots of times actually, but the want to be better or best has always and will always be there. I have lots of dreams and at 23, I don't think I'm even half way yet. I have sacrificed a lot to be where I am today and I think there are still a lot to sacrifice if I want to get to my dreams ASAP. But I don't have regrets - I am thankful that I made those decisions.

Like Christina, I am mean. I can be really mean if I want to and even if I try not to be - like being driven, it is also part of my genetic make up.I'm just glad that people know how to react to my opinions :)

Like Christina, I care a lot about my friends. I am also mean to them, but I know how to care. I am not the type of person who will say that things will be ok even if nothing can be crappier. I am not the type of friend who will pretend that everything's fine when they aren't. I am brutal because I know that that's the best way to deal with things. You can't baby tough situations - its not smart and it's not going to help.

and yeah...I have a thing for smart, mean, secretly romantic guys as well :)

why backpacking?

The topic of our annual barkada Christmas dinner was our recent trip to Kota Kinabalu. They all made fun of my fascination with the zoo and they all concluded that it was the highlight of my trip. It was fun, but the beach was and will always be the best part of any trip.

We also talked about future plans, like places to go in 2009. We all agreed on going on an out of the country trip again - but ofcourse given that there will be zero fares again. Daene and I are planning to go on a backpacking trip to Bali, Indonesia next year. We emphasized "backpacking" and Dozi asked "why does it have to be backpacking"? The default answer is that, I cannot afford a regular, hotel-based, shopping-spree oriented trip. I'd rather stay in a hostel (a really cheap one) and spend the rest of my pocket money on sight seeing and frog hunting. Other reasons include; meeting random strangers and hear stories of their travels, the thrill of commuting, seeing places that i thought only exist in movies and books and just the feeling of being somewhere else.

i wonder where I'm off to next...

Never think...

Never Think

(Rob Pattinson)

I should never think

What's in your heart

What's in our home

So I won't

You'll learn to hate me

But still call me baby

Oh love

So call me by my name

And save your soul

Save your soul

Before you're too far gone

Before nothing can be done

I'll try to decide

when She'll lie in the end

I ain't got no fight in me

In this whole damn world

Tell you to hold off

You choose to hold on

It's the one thing that I've known

Once I put my coat on

I'm coming out in

this all wrong

She's standing outside holding me

Saying oh please

I'm in love

I'm in love

Girl save your soul

Go on save your soul

Before it's too far gone

And before nothing can be done

'Cause without me

You got it all

So hold on

Without me you got it all

So hold on

Without me you got it all

Without me you got it all

So hold on

Without me you got it all

So hold on

Without me you got it all

So hold on Hold on

I am currently inlove with this song. Not only because Rob Pattinson wrote and sang it, but because I think it is a really beautiful song. It speaks off love and how the technicallities of life make it complicated. It's the most beautiful feeling known to man yet it's the most complicated.

I long for the day that I will just feel it, and not think about it much...just feel it...

i will be fabulous

for some weird reason, i can't blog in the office - anyhoo, im blogging now - at home

I'm not a good writer. I just write for the sake of writing - for the sake of putting my mind out there.

Anyhoo, I think the world is more than aware that we are currently economically challenged. When the emails started to flood my inbox, carrying not so nice news, i decided to panic. I decided becuase only a decision can make me think (i hope i made sense). The reality is scary and its right in the middle of everything. It's a huge elephant and we need to talk about it. I am thankful that I still have a job. I am thankful that my company cares about me and did not lay me off. A lot of people have lost their jobs. People who have kids, siblings to support, mouths to feed - people who are at this point in time worrying how to pay next month's rent.

I can go on and on about all the other scary stuffs that this recession will bring. I am not an economist, but I don't think situations like this need graphs and numbers to paint what is really happening.

So, how am I gonna ride the wave? I plan to go by my motto: accessorize with what you have. My decisions have been pretty much influenced by this belief and I think things are working out just fine so I need to re-apply.

I have been given several opportunities - to shine. I see them as challenges rather than additional work. I will use these opportunities - I will make them my accessories and make myself fabulous - its a decision.


Someday, my kids or grandchildren will ask me what I did during the 2008-2009 recession and I will proudly tell them; i was fabulous!

The Tale of 5 Stupid Tourists

Spent the long weekend in Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia with my college friends - the funniest, craziest people you'll ever go on a trip with. We were not complete as the others decided to - not go. It was one hell of a weekend - never a dull moment. We laughed at almost anything - even those that other people won't find a bit funny. Maybe this is the reason why I am friends with these people, we can just look at each other and laugh boisterously.

Day 2 - Sun, sand and the deep blue
We spent the entire day "speed sailing" from one island to another. We were fortunate enough to have crazy drivers who granted us with free roller coaster rides in the sea. After we have parked our "bot", we looked for a spot where we can leave our stuffs before hitting the water. Good thing, there were very few tourists, we found a spot easily.And because we were poor stupid tourists, we didn't avail of the water sports and other water activities. Daene, Mabz and Dale did some snorkeling while carms and I sat on the shore with our ipods, cameras and sunblocks.

We transfered to the 2nd island around lunch time - well, to have lunch. Food was pretty much affordable, 2 ringgit for lunch is not bad - when you're a poor stupid tourist.The cool breeze and the sound of the waves made Carms and I sleepy. We went looking for a spot (we're into looking for spots)to lie down. We found a perfect spot and slept the rest of the 2 hours away.

We went to the final island and we saw a Komodo dragon - how exciting. We were hoping to see hot backpackers and all Kota Kinabalu can offer is a lonely, slow, sociable Komodo Dragon.

We got back at the lodge at around - i honestly can't remember. We then had dinner at a Malaysian Restaurant just beside the lodge.

After dinner, Mabz, Dale and I went to see Twilight while Carms and Daene walked around the city.

Day 3 - Green, wet, and lost
Day 4 - Hot, tired, and lost

the phone call

wow! 2 months since my last post! - manifestation that i only blog when im stressed. So, let me update you with my life :)

May

Went with 3 friends to 3 summer destinations - not really summer destinations because it was raining like crazy! But we had fun anyway. We went to Iloilo, Boracay and Guimaras.

Boracay was really fun! We stayed there for 2 days and one night, but it was crazy! Got a little tipsy, danced a lot and ate a lot. Spotted one cute dude, who i thought was - my favorite term - a fetus (this is how i describe younger guys). It was nice to watch him, and i think i danced with him for like 5 minutes? I can't really remember because I was a little tipsy already. And yeah, it was really fun!

Guimaras was more of a chill escapade. We went there for a day trip. The beach was pretty nice even if it was still raining. The water was really freezing so nobody decided to take a dip. After eating 6 Guimaras mangoes, we decided to go on an island hopping. The first half of the "hop" was pretty ok. We went to the turtle sanctuary where we saw several ginormous turtles! After our little chit-chat with the giant amphibians, we were ready to explore the next island. We were busy taking pictures when i realized that we were slowly manuvering towards the open sea. The waves were pretty unfriendly, so I asked the boatman where we are headed. He then pointed to this really huge white rock with green shrubs on it and there were crazy angry waves spanking it. Everyone was still ok even if the waves were getting worst. And then Katt asked, there are no sharks here right? And I was like, no, actually this is shark infested, and Katt panicked. They all panicked! And mr. boatman, for some reason, started to distribute the life jackets and I was like, this is not good. I immediately told them that we would like to go back to the resort - I was getting a little scared too. So we went back to the shore and just laughed our heads off. It was really kracken from the sea!

We arrived at Iloilo around lunch time. After a bountiful lunch at the famous Ted's La Paz batchoy, we hurried home for my cousin's 7th birthday.

All of my friends were really nice enough to help out with the party. My other friend even volutered to be the clown. He was really impressive with all his clown acts and stuffs.

And he was there.

He just stayed at the gate and watched the party from afar. It wasn't normal. Usually, if we have parties, my friends can just crash and eat and get crazy. Everyone else got crazy, except him. He was just there, standing. I tried not to look at him. I don't want him to catch me looking. After minutes of denial, I involuntarily shifted my gaze to where he was standing,but he wasn't there anymore. I didn't see him for the rest of the party. And then it rang "i don't want us to be friends". That was my line - my last message to him almost a month ago and that explains the "aloof" atitude. I thought I will be ok with it. I saw him again the following day, at mass - after a glance, i tried not to look at him until the end of the mass. I never saw him again after that. Not normal, as we usually hang out untill the wee hours of the morning, especially during special occasions.

June

Three weeks ago, I initiated a text message. I thought it was necessary, i need to let go of the uneasiness of not being friends with someone so special. I know that what I did will reboot the cycle but I have to try. I was still hoping that I will be ok with it and I will treat him like just any other friend.

Last week, he surprised me with a phone call, at 1 am. I honestly was hyperventilating when I realized that it was him. Sadly, we had nothing to talk about. We were both new to that - the talking thing. I'd like to think that fate was on my side, the line went dead - his phone ran out of battery. I thought it was a good thing, because I was really not comfortable, I didn't know what to say. After a couple of minutes he sent a text message saying that it was nice to hear my voice again. I was smiling, I was happy - and I still hate myself for feeling that.

It has been six days since that phone call. I am still hoping that he would call again. I'm confused. I don't want to talk to him but I want to talk to him.

So there, the cylce is here again and I'm going through it again.

i hate surprises

since that faithful - morning (it was 1 am)

i hate that im going through this again.

somebody break the freakin cycle please...

i never thought ill write about this

it has been a month - 1 month and 4 days to be exact

and i think i'm doing ok and i actually can write about it now

the first 2 weeks were unbearable - it was when i realized that its for real this time, no turning back - i did what i did

broke down a couple of times - the first night, it was terrible. didn't know i have that much "water" in me

they won't stop falling. uncontrollable.

the following day, i went to the office in my favorite corporate outfit. i put make up on. i was up early had a really good breakfast and i was in the training room before everyone else.

then i went to the pantry to get water. it was 9:00 am, the pantry was so freakin quiet. i took my mug out of the cupboard and there they fell again. i don't know, they just did - of all places.

i went back to the training room. i was alone still. i tried to read some emails but my brain wasn't working. it was blank. i wasn't feeling anything, compared to the annoying crap i felt the night before.

i don't know how to describe it, but i will try: just imagine your heart being crushed by something very heavy and you can't breathe. you are concious and your heart seems to be somewhere in your body, not in your chest. it was like in your stomach or something.

my face was blank for 2 weeks. a friend once approached me and said, "this is bad" and i just broke into tears. i was like, "how did you know?" and he said "it's in your eyes, they're heavy you're aura is heavy". this is pretty pathetic, but it was the first time that i felt such.

so that's actually how it felt like. for some reason, i can still recall how painful it was.

i had the frog beside me for 3 weeks. i brought it with me to the office. placed it beside me as i sleep. or just hold it. and i finally let it go, just last week.

i noticed that i wasn't looking for it anymore. it stayed on my desk for a week now. not beside my pillow.

so why write all these all of a sudden?

i read a book and it reminded me of the pain. i was smiling while i was reading it. the way the author described the heroin's feelings painted that picture of me a month ago. i tried to skip the pages. i didn't want to read about me. but then i realized, maybe i just need to. ill be home in a week and i'll see him again - its going to be an excruciating weekend, again.

i'm still going for 2 months. and i think im doing great. for now, at least.

im a freak

well i guess i will just turn my freakin back from the freakin things all the freakin time

i am missing the frog

it is right beside me, it stops me from picking up the phone and sending you a freakin text message

that i wouldn't do

im on my 3rd week now...and im doing freakin well

freak

March 25, 2008

She said: this will probably be the longest text message ill ever send you. i want you to know about a couple of things because you deserve to know. ok, the reason why i asked for the frog back is because i dont want to see mine and be reminded of you. the reason why i stopped using my smart phone is because i only use that for you. i removed you from my friendster because i dnt want to see your pictures. when you failed to greet me at exactly 12 midnight during my birthday, i used that as a reason to be mad at you.y? because i though being mad at you would make things easier for me. hating you will make me not think of you. especially when you told me that your wish is for me to find someone. having said that, i want you to know that i am hurting and i dont know when i can finally get rid of you. it was difficult to see you last week. it was difficult to ask for the frog back. i wanted to talk to you but i was afraid that i might break down. i dont want to break down, not in front of you. so there, i need your help, i need you to tell me that its over. i know it is, but i want to get it directly from you. stop giving me wrong signals and make me believe that there is still something. and i don't want us to be friends. at least until i have finally moved on. i don't care what will happen after this, but i hope its for the better. for me at least, i know you're doing great. and let's not communicate anymore, i am ok until i get a text from you and i'd get totally emotional and distracted. so there, whew! i never thought i'd be able to tell you these..especially admit that i'm hurting. don't say sorry, this is all my fault. its ok if you won't reply, you usually don't anyway. i guess i will be better now. thanks for reading.

he said: i'm just waiting for you to say this...If this is really what you want, then i gues this is it. i also want you to be happy. whatever reasons i have for holding on to you for such a long time will just be mine. i hope we can still be friends someday. im sorry, but you'll still be special...you'll be ok..trust me, you will be..its ok to hate me, just don't forget me..that somehow i've been part of you...sory for hurting you that bad...for being selfish..for making you hope for something from me...i know you'll move on...thanks for everything.

silence...

he said: halong pirme..bye! :(

silence....

he said: i hope you'll be brave enough to risk if you find someone for you someday...i apologize for causing you much pain. for hurting you over and over again...im still here if you need somebody to talk to...you can't just throw me away...find a good man...ang indi palahubog ha? kag please reply, bisan hambalon mo lang i hate you...thanks for saying what you really feel for the first time..at least i know what was going on with you. God has His own reasons for this...i know...good night...im gonna flood my pillow again...

she said: i dnt hate you...budlay lang gid ya...

because its easier that way...

you asked: akig ka sakon?

i answered: i am not

you said: daw ka mean cmo sang birthday mo...hehe..btw, musta?

i said: what was so mean about that?nyway, im ok, thanks for asking...

why am i acting like this? because its easier this way...im sorry i need to hate you...i need to be mean to you...its easier this way and after all these years, i kinda want the easy way out...

i sooooo want to tell you that ill be joing clp soon...i know you'll be happy....but then again, I'm trying my best not to have anything to do with you whatsoever...

i'm not sure if i'm being unfair...i kinda don't care anymore...

i'm almost out

the day mcdreamy chose the wife over grey

I just love the parallelism in Grey's Anatomy

tonight, the episode was about a train accident. there were two passengers who got stuck to each other because of a metal pole that went through their bodies - gross -i know

to be able to save the man's life, the woman should be removed - this procedure could kill her

their injuries had been severe that they can no longer feel any pain.

they were then separated - both unconscious - the doctors tried to save both lives but they can only do so much. when the man was showing some sort of "breaking down", the doctors who were attending to the girl needed to help those who were operating the man. meredith was left alone with the girl. then she started to scream "what about the girl" - but there was nothing to salvage - of the two, she had the worst injury - she died.

at the elevator, mcdreamy was feeling uneasy, his fellow surgeon, doctor torres, noticed this and she halted the elevator. mcdreamy went to the corner of the elevator and broke down. after a couple of seconds, he was ok again and they went out of the elevator.

mcdreamy went out of the hospital with his wife.

i guess, that is just how things are...some can no longer be saved because there is nothing to salvage anymore..too much injury will allow you to not feel any pain...and people make the hardest decisions - and most of the time, in most of these decisions, someone or something has to give way for the sake of everybody...and what's left to do is to break down for a couple of seconds and get back to reality...again

go signal

i turned 23 today...

i thank God for 23 amazing years!!!

and i got my go signal...he didn't greet me at exactly 12 midnight

it was our tradition - aside from meeting up at new year's eve, during birthdays, we greet each other at exactly 12 midnight - this year, i did greet him at exactly 12 midnight...i was the first person to greet him

he didn't

i've been asking for a sign...i guess this is it

you have a home in my heart

i just had the best weekend - 3 days with God in His loving embrace - it was such an experience

He answered my questions through a Speaker

habang nagsasalita yung speaker, i tried not to cry, kahit sobrang hirap na hirap na...kse i was really touched by her words and it was like God talking to me

i've been asking for answers - answers to the questions that were bothering me for a really long time

and on Feb 16, 2008 - i finally got my answers

"Love, however, is not without its hurts and pains, and this is a reality we gear ourselves for"

the talk was about Pain - or from how i understood it, it was focusing on pain and managing pain

the speaker shared that everytime she cries, she feels God's power hug...her tears are just manifestation of God touching her heart

and it made me realize something...everytime i cry, i feel so helpless, weak...but come to think of it, everytime i cry it is when i find myself surrendering my self to Him and after i cry i feel better...and yes, maybe God did hug me...i know He did

that weekend made me realize lots of things and helped me put into action my agenda for 2008 =)

i need to fix a couple of issues in my life:

1. my relationship with God
it was always there - but i became idle for quite a while, in terms of service that is...
and the conference was a good start - this year, i will transition from YFC to SFC and i am very excited! there's this letter that i got from the conference...and i promise myself that i will read it everyday. that letter really touched my heart - its a letter from God =)

2. my relationship with my family
i am surprised that i am now able to communicate liberally with my parents. i answer their text mesagges with a "Hehe" or "Wow", and i was not like this before. i was very careful in showing emotions to my parents. i tried so hard to keep distant - i wasn't comfortable. now, i find myself sharing my plans with them and just a little more comfortable - i hope this gets better

3. my relationship with people around me
last year, i was such a pain..my patience was super short! i was always in a bad mood, always depressed...i hated everybody, even those i don't know! haha! and then came the last few weeks of 2007 and i decided that i should get my life fixed. i can't go on complaining about how im no longer happy with my job, that my personal life is confusing me, that my realtionship with everyone is just in great chaos. and yes, i tried to fixed things little by little. i was able to close something with someone. even if my questions for him are still hanging there, i decided to move on. that meeting did give justice to that "floating" situation - at least i did something.

now, there's one more thing i need to fix - i had the chance, january 1 2008 - but back then, i got caught up in the situation, i was scared, i was shocked - for me, it was not the perfect time yet.

the talk about pain has given me the courage. it will not be a one time big time thing - i will do it slowly...

things are starting to dawn on me...

1. church - this is where i first saw you
2. i have this concept of a Mr. Big - someone i always get back to - i mean, no matter what had happened - no matter how complicated things are - it's weird - you are my Mr.Big
3. i always pray for someone - and sometimes i question God bakit wala pa rin - come to think of it, baka nga binigay na
4. and why do i still think of this person
5. now the circumstances will not allow what i want to happen - it's medyo painful - but who am i to blame? :p

mmm...now things are clearer to me...it can happen! it is so possible! and that scary feeling is now gone - excitement has replaced it

i am just praying for the best =)

someone to watch over me...

originally posted July 06, 2006

ok, so i love that song...it's a classic but i never dreamed of it happening literally! meaning, someone's looking at you from a far, for 9 freaking years! aka, stalker...or not really. then after 9 years, this person would txt you and tell you that he's always thinking about you, praying for you (which is by the way, a good thing...hehe...) and that he's hoping that someday, the two of you can actually have a normal conversation.if you are in that position, would you be happy? flattered? or freaked out?i always have a problem when it comes to "giving" reactions. most of the time i react based on impulse and later on contemplate if i "gave" the right/proper reaction.for one, i am a little "reserved" and interact only once in a while. i have to be in a rowdy group to be able to talk. or i can be in a group intimidated by my persence to be able to talk. or i can just be with myself and talk, hehe...now that's creepy...

so, plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....talk to me! i won't talk to you if you won't initiate! and never ever tell me that you can't approach me now because, because, because....arrrggggghhhh!

New Year's Resolution

nyahaha! i just love blogging!

People say na wag na daw mag new year's resolution kse hindi rin naman mangyayari or hindi rin naman masusunod. I never had a formal new year's resolution, so i really can't tell. For some reason, i want to have concrete resolutions for this year..hehe..

so, here:

1. find more reasons to smile
2. manage stress better
3. more time for family, friends and me
4. try not to be a workaholic
5. no to alcohol
6. save, save, save
7. be more health conscious
8. love more, enough with holding back -> be a risk taker at this field..nyahaha!
9. deal with life one day at a time
10. be happy

there...sana magawa ko lahat yan..haha!

2008 is my year!

how many times did i say that i will be leaving M in 2007? 2006? 2005? 2004? nyahaha! But i think 2007 is the year - yes, it was difficult to finally come up with this decision, but there's no other way - someone has to do it, and im doing it.

ok, so what happened? December 28, 2007? Bwahaha! cherry on top of an amazing year!

we were supposed to meet at lunch time - he said was supposed to treat me - anyhoo, both of us didnt make it. i had some errands that i need to do - last minute - nanay ko kse and he also accompanied his sister to the hospital - we met up at around 2 in the afternoon. I was at toy kingdom when he texted that he was already there and he asked me where do i want us to meet. it was a bomb exploding right in front of me - he was there...finally. it took me 15 minutes to finally reply and then i said, let's meet up in front of national bookstore. normally, it would take around 2 minutes to walk from toy kingdom to national bookstore - i took the "long cut" anad it took me around 5 minutes. while walking, i decided to call Mabz...i needed moral support - i was really chickening out! so there, i was talking to Mabel, telling her that i am so nervous, i could die. when i got to national bookstore, he wasn't there yet. so i just keep on talking with Mabz, then we talked about the Maroon 5 concert...i was just walking back and forth, with matching ikot and then boom! he was there! standing right in front of me - it was surreal - i dropped the call without saying goodbye. i was just so nervous, i didn't know what i was doing. so there, we started walking, tapos he said, let's look for a place where we can sit - i laughed.hehe..

the first coffee shop that we saw was full, so we walked some more and then we found a spot at Vienna Koffihouse (bwahaha! this blog is so out there!!!) - and then we ordered, he asked me, what do you want? i'll have Mocca and he said he he will have that too. ok, first awkward moment, i opened my bag and took out my wallet and then he said "let me pay for it, it has been 6 years". i laughed. and then he said "i was supposed to treat you out to lunch" and then i said, its fine.

so we sat down and we started talking. so i asked how he was, what he has been up to. talk talk talk, then our coffee came - yahoo! something to break the cricket moments.

cricket moments - silent moments, tapos parang you'll hear crickets..haha!

so there, more kwento and more cricket moments. then he said, he was just waiting for his sister which means that we have a time limit - and it was totally fine with me. then i realized, we don't have enough time to talk about what we needed to talk about. anyhoo, make the best out of the time we have. he said that they will be having a christmas party the following day - for their employees. he said he was gonna invite me but i have a family reunion..sayang...

talk talk talk - then he said he regularly goes to Manila and he asked for my address, na hanggang ngayon d ko pa rin nabibigay..hehe..it was more of reminiscing hyskul stuffs but we really didn't talk about us - maybe no one had the courage to talk about it. and it has been six years, tapos ngayon lang ulit kme nagkita i don't think we can really talk about it ng ganun na lang.

so there, then 4 pm came, he was leaving. we said goodbye a couple of times - it was an awkward goodbye kse we were already standing up pero he was still asking questions like where are you going, what will you be doing....stuffs like that. i said i'll just wait for my friends and then he went down.

yun lang, after that meeting, no follow up. its already wednesday, didn't recieve a single text message from him. i was supposed to text him and thank him for last friday, pero d ko pa rin ginagawa, should i do that?

pero at least i can say that i did something - so, whatever happens, may ginagawa na ako...

it was difficult kse hindi ako ganun, i'm more of a wait and see person, ngayon lang na i really did something about it.

lagi na lang cia yung first.

he was my first dance (highschool)
he was the first guy to formally ask me if he could court me
he was the first guy to walk me to the dorm and carried my books
he was the first guy to make his intentions public
he was the first guy to write me a letter
he was the first guy to write me poems
he was the first guy i had coffee with - was it a date? if it was, the he was the first guy i went out on a date with
will he also be the first ?

nyahaha! annoying crap...

okies, more pa...

why did i suddenly blog here? because i had a nightmare. i dreamt of J - yes! ano ber

anyhoo, the dream was like this, there's this road - parang never ending or masyado lang ciang mahaba - basta hindi nakikita yung dulo..tapos i was walking alone..walk walk walk...then suddenly, he was there beside me - panalo! he looked like a rockstar - yung plain white t-shirt tapos jeans - wala lang, for me that's the ultimate rockstar get up...haha! anyhoo, so yun, lakad lang cia..tapos naglabas cia ng yosi, tapos before pa niya ma light i took it and "tear" (for lack of a better term) it, tapos i threw it away...tapos he looked at me lang...walang nagsasalita...then he suddenly held my hand...tapos parang it was very casual...tapos yun, lakad lang together..we were both smiling...tapos nung titingnan ko na cia, he wasn't there anymore...as in naglalakad na ulit ako mag-isa..tapos i wanted to wake up, but i can't..gising na yung utak ko, but i can't move my body...sobrang hirap ako...cguro mga 20 seconds na ganun..then i woke up...ang bilis ng heartbeat ko..it was scary...so yun, akala ko happy dream - happy na, tapos biglang ganun..weirdness

anyhoo, 2008 na! and it's so positive! yung pasok ng taon, sobrang positive! kahit something happened nung january 1, ok lang, in a way parang ok den yung nangyari...it made me realize things...things na dapat matagal ko na na realize...bwahahha!

anyhoo, im super looking forward to this year! sobra! parang madaming mangyayari this year and im super excited! excited to meet new people, new experiences...2008 is my year! it's a decision!!! game! game! game!